


bargain hunters

by syrupwit



Series: typical human courtship [3]
Category: Invader Zim
Genre: Domestic Fluff, M/M, Showing Up On A Doorstep And Pretending To Be Mail-Order Spouse In Hope They'll Just Go With It
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-29
Updated: 2019-08-29
Packaged: 2020-09-28 23:35:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20434349
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/syrupwit/pseuds/syrupwit
Summary: GIR has coupons. Also, it's laundry day.





	bargain hunters

On the first Sunday morning after his arrival, Zim extracts himself from the Dib-beast’s unconscious grip and wanders out to find GIR playing with scissors in the other room.

“What are you doing?”

“I’m couponing!” GIR has a newspaper that definitely belongs to one of their neighbors. Dib only subscribes to the_ Fortean Times_. Zim snatches an ad booklet and flips through it, brow creasing at the variety of restaurant specials and useless or disgusting household products.

“Why?” he hisses to GIR, and GIR chirps, “It’s laundry day!” Zim is gearing up to lecture him about what does and does not fit into their budget (hint: NOT steak, NOT fancy detergent pods that GIR will only try to eat) when Dib lurches in.

Even on his sole day off, the useless meat-creature gets up too early. He yawns and cracks his jaw, scratching at his stupid shaggy undercut as he crosses the room in search of coffee. Zim has already started a pot, or else he’d snicker in Dib’s face about its lack. That FOOL and his lust for caffeine. It will be his downfall! Or, at least, one potential method of his downfall. Competition abounds.

Dib inhales one mug of steaming bean water and retrieves a second before he notices the clippings accumulated at his elbow. GIR is cutting away, humming tunelessly. Zim pretends to read the sports section.

“Miz,” Dib says slowly, “why does your roomba have scissors?”

“It’s one of his… functions.”

“Functions?”

Zim thinks fast. “Didn’t I tell you that he is a butler-class roomba? They come equipped with many elite features, such as scissor-wielding and flower arrangement. Now cease your distracting mouth-noises, I’m trying to concentrate on these gameball statistics.” He flourishes his newspaper and opens to the middle.

“You have the paper upside down.”

“Yes. Well.” Zim lowers his paper to glare at the Dib before he rights it. He almost misses Dib’s tiny smile as the human turns his eyes to world news.

It actually is laundry day, so they repair to the local laundromat after a breakfast of orange drink and dry cereal. There is a brief scuffle when GIR tries to consume the half-empty cereal box; happily, though, Dib seems to buy that butler roomba programming includes garbage disposal and recycling.

The laundromat is an unstaffed 24/7 facility, a lonely, sterile affair with a sad array of vending machines. Dib sorts his laundry by color, while Zim stuffs everything into one washer and GIR alternates “helping” with exploring. The process expends far too many quarters, even when the Dib-thing decides against buying a miniature container of fabric softener.

“Okay,” says Dib, once their wash cycles have started. “Let’s go.”

“We leave the laundry unguarded?”

“Trust me, no one wants to steal your dirty underwear. Besides, we need groceries.” Dib addresses GIR, who is rolling around in an empty dryer. “Did you bring those coupons?”

GIR gets to ride in the infant seat of the shopping cart. There is a LOT of joyous screeching, some successful cajoling of the Dib into pushing the cart super fast, and an altercation with a store employee after they knock down a cola display. Dib has to mop up the spill; Zim points and laughs. GIR slurps up cola, heedless of the resulting sparks.

They bring the groceries home, then head back to the laundromat. It’s afternoon by this point. Zim is starting to feel itchy, and not just because he has to handle wet clothes.

He fears he’s been experiencing _ fun_, today. Adjusting to life with the Dib-creature has proven suspiciously easy, easier than he’d anticipated. He’d thought that he would be suppressing a lot more violent impulses by this point, having been forced into proximity with such a loathsome, inferior being. However, this is the closest to content he’s felt in, well, ever.

Could the human be on to his plan, and merely feigning ignorance? Zim frowns, watching Dib nap awkwardly on a laundromat bench. He doesn’t look devious. He looks uncomfortable, and tired. It almost makes Zim _ feel _something.

AGH! This has gone too far. Zim needs to step up his game, and quickly, distractions be damned. He can’t afford to lose.


End file.
